After the unbearably loud, glitchy, crackly music finishes blasting over the loudspeakers, an incoherent voice practically yells, “Pep rally in the Olive Garden today! Be there!” Olive Garden? Yes, you heard that correctly. The Associated Student Body (ASB) is hosting the Winter Pep Rally at the infamous unlimited-breadstick-serving restaurant Olive Garden and not in the gym, which has an eerily similar nickname…
When you first arrive, you are greeted by ASB students passing out the Olive Garden-branded Andes mints. Unfortunately, they are not passing out deodorant, which becomes abundantly clear as hundreds of sweaty teenagers flock inside, carrying the scent of unwashed P.E. clothes, mixing with the pungent marinara-scented air to create a repulsive aroma.
Before the smell gets so overwhelming that you gag, an ASB student, yelling too close to the microphone in their hand, says, “Time for a classic, bubble soccer … also unlimited salad and breadsticks.”
Bubble soccer is a pep rally classic; students crash into one another in giant inflatables, and, ultimately, flipping one another over becomes the objective rather than the actual soccer aspect. The first round starts, and the restaurant erupts in cheers as two students charge headfirst at each other. Luckily, your physics class has taught you that when two objects collide elastically, they swap momentum and exchange velocity, giving you a moment to brace yourself as one bubble-student goes flying towards you, smacking the breadstick out of your hand.
Dance break: the varsity hip hop team walks out, but instead of wearing their dance attire, they are dressed in Olive Garden uniforms. Business casual is not the most danceable fabric; an attempted leg lift during the KATSEYE-themed dance ended in a pants-ripping disaster.
Next, students from whatever sport was in season compete in a relay race. After running through obstacles around the restaurant, students must scarf down a pasta bowl before spinning around ten times and sprinting back. You can almost feel the Alfredo turning to concrete in your own stomach.
Music starts blasting as the cheer team walks out shaking their pom-poms, and the routine goes surprisingly well, until the pyramid. Low ceilings and cheer stunts tend to clash. When a cheerleader is practically chucked into the ceiling, she comes crashing down and takes the rest of the pyramid with her.
The pep rally draws to a close as the principal walks out from the back kitchen, preparing to send students off with the famous chant. But this time, “We are TP” gets replaced by pasta-filled mouths repeating “When you’re here, you’re family,” over and over.
